


Baby Sam

by Morethancupcake



Series: Tarentelle [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adoption, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ballet Dancer Castiel, Child Abuse, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fights, Fluff and Angst, Kid Fic, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Child Abuse, Russian Castiel, Slice of Life, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-26 07:24:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7565332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The kid, hell, the baby, sleeps in one of these special chairs on the table next to him, and he closes his eyes when he says words like "malnurished", "abuse". And, of course: "John. He's John's." "</p><p>Dean gets a call that pretty much changes their life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please remember this story deals with child abuse. Take good care of yourself and do not read if it's triggering in any way.
> 
> A huge thank you to Eri, amazing beta extraordinaire, who read most of this story and didn't get mad at me barging up into her life.
> 
> Please remember English isn't my first language when you decide to point of one of the many mistakes I produced :) 
> 
> The story will be completely posted today.

The calls start around seven in the morning. Dean is too tired, after a night on the job, so it's only natural for Cas to grab his phone, and to answer. Except Cas isn't there. He's still touring, somewhere in Japan, and just thinking about it makes Dean wants to cry, a little.

He misses him, so what ?

"You should see it, Dean. It's surreal. A girl cried when she saw me last night. She cried." Cas had said, his beautiful face on the tiny screen of Dean's new phone, bought especially so they would be able to talk during the day. So he could hear about girls touching Cas' hands and arms, taking pictures with him and giving him flowers.

Yeah, so he's a little grumpy. And jealous. And lonely.

The phone stops after a while, and Dean goes back to sleep. At nine, it starts again, and Dean wonders who's the idiot stupid enough to try to reach him so early. He crawls from under the comforter to grab his phone, and barks something at the other guy.

"Dean Winchester ?"

Dean knows these voices. Had a life long experience of these.

Funny, for the first time in his life, Child Protection Services calls won't be about him, or Sammy. He dresses up in a haze, and remembers to send a text to Cas, who's probably on his way back, and won't be able to read it until the landing. He misses him, so fucking much right now, and wishes he could have him close, taking over as he usually does when things are too heavy. 

For the first time, this isn't about Dean fucking up, and in a way, it's even worse.

 

His name is Sam. He's so small, and thin, Dean is almost afraid to breathe next to him. He still has bruises all over his face, and his nose is running non stop. The lady who's waiting with him is tired, very tired, and her voice breaks a few times when she explains the situation.

Dean signs all that is being handed to him. Of course he does. When the lady leaves, looking almost relieved and smiling, he calls Rufus at the station, and explains everything. He's calm. Way too calm. The kid, hell, the baby, sleeps in one of these special chairs on the table next to him, and he closes his eyes when he says words like "malnurished", "abuse". And, of course: "John. He's John's."

He accepts a cup of watery coffee and an old cinnamon roll from the cafeteria, and he tries not to freak out at everything he hears. In his chair, knocked down by his fever and the drugs, and probably his first real bottle in God knows how many days, baby Sam sleeps.

 

Being home with him, with the huge diaper bag he bought in a hurry and the little chair, is almost like a dream. A very, very bad dream. Dean doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know what he should do first. Sure he remembers the basics. He took care of Sammy after all.

Sammy.

Baby Sam doesn't even react when Dean changes him, and it's a wonder, when Dean spots the angry rash on his poor butt. He puts him back into an old onesie the services gave them, and he adds clothes to the endless list he started in his head hours ago. Baby Sam sleeps, and he starts to call.

He calls Miss Moseley first, because she's like a cool aunt, and she doesn't try to sugarcoat anything when Dean explains everything to her.

"I still have bits and pieces around the house, I'm sure I can bring them over. We'll see for the rest, Dean." Dean wants to thank her. He wants to find the right words to... "You're doing the right thing, boy. I'll be here in a while."

He calls Benny, who's very silent. Too silent, almost. "I'll call Andrea. She'll make a list of all the things we have that we can give you now that the twins are older. It'll be okay, brother. It will."

He calls Sammy. Sammy, who's gone all the way to Stanford, and who's laughing with his friends when he picks up the phone. 

 

"The bastard." Sammy is mad, really mad. Dean expected it to fuel his anger toward John, but this is almost too much. It's scary to hear the man behind his baby brother's voice. "Why does he do this ? Why make kids if it's to leave them ? Why ?"

"You know how he is." There's nothing else to do. Dean doesn't want to talk about their dad anymore. 

"And the mother ? Are they taking care of her ? She won't try to get him back, or anything ?" Baby Sam holds his blanket close to his face, with an unhappy frown Dean remembers too well. A new diaper, coming right away.

"Rufus is on it, but apparently, after what she did to him, it's going to be easy to keep her away for good."

"Well... good. Good." They both sighs at the same time. Dean looks at the ceiling, because the worst is yet to come. "So we have another little brother, uh ?"

"Yeah. Let's hope this one won't look like you."

"Shut up." Sam laughs, and Dean can almost see it, his smile. "What's his name ?"

 

When Sam says it again, "Bastard", his voice is full of tears, and it doesn't sound like a man anymore. No, Dean tries to soothe him, because his baby brother is crying on the phone, and he's heartbroken.

 

Dean is still sniffling when changing Baby Sam, who's looking at him warily, probably wondering where he is for the first time today. Still, he doesn't cry. He feels the heavy lump in his throat, when he puts salve on his little brother's body, but he doesn't cry. He can't.

 

The house changes overnight. There's suddenly weird kitchen appliances all over the counter, and Dean doesn't remember who brought all these clothes and toys, and furniture. 

Baby Sam cries. A lot. And Dean can't really be mad at the little guy, because he's a ball of hurt, and pain, and he must be tired, and hungry, because Dean sure is. After two very messy (and probably painful) tries for warm milk, Dean tries sugary water, and sees the bottle fly around the room for all his efforts. 

He's trying so hard not to cry too, it takes him a while to notice Cas standing at the door.

If his boyfriend is disgusted by the vomit on his clothes, or by the smell of the squirmy little thing, he doesn't let it show. He comes to claim a kiss, as if this day was normal day, as if there wasn't a freaking baby in their kitchen. Baby Sammy is still crying, no, yelling, big loud sobs hurting Dean's ears, and the kitchen is a mess, and the bottle is lost somewhere and...

He throws himself at Cas, who takes him in his arms and starts to rock him a little, keeping the pressure away from the diaper. 

"You two had a rough day." Dean opens his mouth, but then closes it. "What's your name, sweet pea ?" Baby Sam is still crying, but not so loud. Cas is bouncing him a little, and it seems to help him with whatever's wrong, because after a while he just slumps even more against Cas, his tiny first moving to his mouth. "He's very warm."

"He's taking antibiotics. But I can't seem to make him drink anything." 

"Do we still have apple juice ? With water. Make it a little warm." 

Dean watches his boyfriend, his very tired, coming home after a trip on the other side of the world boyfriend grab a towel, and clean the baby while softly talking to him. The baby he doesn't know about.

He feels Cas' hands on his face, brushing away the tears, and he notices he's sobbing too.

 

Baby Sam falls in love with Castiel. Dean tries not to feel jealous, and he isn't mostly, because it's Cas, but this little guy is his little brother, and it feels like it should be just like it was with Sammy, but it's not. 

"Of course it's not, you're still very much a stranger, Dean." Castiel massage his scalp under the warm water, making him purr. The baby monitor, a wonderful invention, is still very close, but Baby Sam sleeps well at night, and for this, Dean is glad.

"But he loves you." Dean kisses him once, twice, and once more just because he's thankful, and in love, and so damn happy, even if he's terrified. Castiel doesn't ask anything, he doesn't ask where Sam will go, who's going to take care of him. They've been together for years. He knows.

 

Their life, boring, amazing life, changes too. Dean comes home to a very naked baby toddling around, with a laughing Cas wearing faded sweats following. 

"The air is good for his rash, and my toes. We're having a naked party." 

Cas sits on a big towel, Baby Sam in his lap, and reads to the baby, Russian poems and little stories he found on the internet, until Baby Sam decides it's time for him to get rid of all the juice he had earlier. Castiel laughs, and after a minute so does Sam, and Dean has to go away, before he does something stupid.

He cries in the shower, but it doesn't count.

 

The rash goes away, thanks to the naked parties and the ointment they use regularly. Still, his cough is awful, and his fever comes and goes. Dean puts him on his little chair on the backseat, and drives him to the doctor Balthazar's told them to contact. "A family friend" he had said over the phone. "Don't you boys worry, he's very good, and he wants to meet my Godson." Dean feels a little bad for making the guy work for free, but taking care of a baby, especially a sick little baby puts a dent on his bank account, and he's glad for the luxury.

Joshua smiles and like magic, Sam smiles too, and lets himself be touched and poked, giggling at Joshua's tickling. He looks almost normal, not the sluggish little thing Dean had to move around in the car earlier.

"Ear infection." Joshua says. "It's probably going to hurt very soon, and he won't be happy about it."

"He's unhappy about a lot of things lately." 

Joshua praises them and reads Sam's file, nodding at the lactose intolerance and happily smiles at the weight the baby put on. He frowns at the pictures, the bruises and ugly blue on the baby's skin. Dean holds Sam close.

 

The drive home is Hell. Sam, very much awake now, cries so much he makes himself sick. He cries as soon as he spots the car, and it takes Joshua, his wife and Dean to put him in his chair. He sobs so much Dean has tears in his eyes. He cries, loud, and angry, until he spots Dean's eyes in the rearview mirror.

Then he stops, terrified, and almost makes himself sick again.

Dean almost wishes he would keep crying.

He's still shaking and sobbing softly when they park, and when Cas opens the door to help him out.

The kid burries his sad little face in Cas' shirt, soiling him in the process. As soon as the Impala is out of sight, he stops crying, but he shivers and Dean has to put his hand on his little back, to keep him safe.

 

"You said your dad decided to buy another one, when he gave you this one ?" Castiel is petting the little boy, who's too exhausted and almost passing out as they go inside. He sounds cold, too cold, and his accent is back.

"A car, yeah ?"

 

He's afraid of the car, and the man driving it, and Dean wants to punch John, yet again.

 

Joshua's prophecy wakes them up around two in the morning. If Dean thought baby Sam was screaming before, this, this is even worse. He looks at them with terrified eyes, and his pudgy hands try to grab at something close to his ears. Dean tries everything, he tries the drops, and the teddy bear. He rocks the baby, telling him about how everything is going to be okay, soon, he promises.

He isn't sure he's cut for this, to the high pitched sobs, and Baby Sam looking at him with so much faith, as if he was supposed to take care of this, of him. It's not the same baby who used to kick him and try to escape, no. He's clutching at him, scared, but trusting.

Dean is ready to give everything for him to stop hurting and finally sleep.

Castiel is in the kitchen, watching a pan on the stove. It's way too late for Dean to wonder too much, until his boyfriend is back, with little cotton balls and soothing words. Dean kisses him, he kisses his cheek, his ear, whatever he can reach, because he's tired, and scared, and the baby, their baby, is sick and hurting and he can't do anything about it and...

Baby Sam stops crying. He closes his eyes and sighs, his fingers going to his mouth. Dean watches him for a second, then stares at Cas with his mouth open.

"Warm olive oil. It'll help him sleep, but I think for tonight we'll put him in our room."

Dean doesn't ask. It's late, way too late, and he's waking up in a few hours. He places the baby carefully between them and falls asleep listening to baby sounds. His baby. His.

 

Dean curls up onto the big comforter with Baby Sam, and he reads to him, his favorite books, full of memories, Uncle Bobby, and Mary. Baby Sam watches him, fascinated, and he grabs Dean's fingers following the words onto the pages. He's almost okay now, a little sluggish because of the meds, but the cottons balls and the warm oil do wonders. 

Dean snaps a few pictures of them together, and sends them to everyone. Everyone.

Baby Sam's falls asleep in his arms, and he's too afraid to move.

 

Castiel rests on his chest, the steam of the bath making his hair curl a little. He's almost asleep, and he looks exhausted, but Dean asks anyway. 

"You're good with him. Very good."

"You're very good too." Castiel turns a little and rests more comfortably on his body. Dean is now a little heavier, almost round in some places. 

"Not like you. It's like..." They kiss, it's slow, and lazy. Cas takes him into his hand, and it's nice, it's lazy too. "It's like you were born to be a dad."

"Maybe I was. With you." Dean supposes he has to make fun of this, of Castiel's words, but it's just too good, too warm and safe, here. He moans, softly, and Cas moans in his mouth too. It's a late Saturday night, and everything is fine in the world. He tries to say I love you, he tries, but Castiel's hands know him well, too well.

 

He's resting on Cas' belly, Cas still panting, an arm thrown on his face, when he whispers. 

"You think we deserve it ?" Castiel doesn't move, so he adds. "To be this happy. To have money, and a house, and now a baby ? What if... What if..." He kisses Cas belly button once, twice. 

"I had to learn at school." It's like gravel, Cas' voice too deep. "We were young, so young. When I got sick, the first time, the nurse just got me pills and told me to go back to bed. I had no food in my room, I was too weak to go to the halls. It was hard." Dean climbs up to pry the arm away, and to roll them over, noses touching, two halves of a same whole. "There was this older student, I don't remember his name. He noticed and took me into his room. He would sleep with me to keep me warm, get me food and carry me to class. I don't think I really knew him, he was much older." There's a tear running on the bridge of Cas' nose, and it runs on Dean's skin. "I don't even remember his face, I think he was blond, and he had a nice smile and a gentle voice." Dean smiles too. "He would hold me in his arms and tell me it would be okay, that I wasn't alone."

"He was right." Dean kisses him, soft and chaste. Castiel holds him close and pries his mouth open, pouring all the emotions swirling inside him into the kiss.

"We deserve it." Cas whispers in the darm, his eyelashes tickling Dean's skin. "You, Samuel, and I. We deserve it."

 

Sammy calls. Almost every week. His voice still is laced with hurt, but he doesn't want to talk about it, and he just focuses on their new brother, because Sammy's heart is too full of love, and too ready to accept someone new.

Dean doesn't tell him everything. He can't.

In the other room, Baby Sam is wearing tulle around is waist, dancing with Cas, a very serious frown on his face. Dean bullies his brother into getting on Skype, and then makes fun of his cooing. Baby Sam is looking at them with wide eyes, his little fist holding his tutu close to himself. He suddenly giggles and hides into Cas' shoulders.


	2. Chapter 2

It's too much like a dream come true, in a very twisted way. 

And Dean doesn't know how to deal with it. Castiel, wonderful Castiel, just goes all the way, and takes Baby Sam with him to the Opera, one day. Dean finds them with Balthazar, sitting on the floor of a training room, Baby Sam mesmerized by the dancers, Castiel holding him in his arms.

Cas' coworkers stop by, to congratulate them, to take selfies with Baby Sam, a little overwhelmed by the attention, but delighted to be the center of interest. Garth asks them when the adoption is being finalized, busy tickling Baby Sam feet. 

Cas answers, cool as ever, not bothered by the hord trying to take away his baby.

"Soon. We just need his biological father to sign the papers, and then he'll be ours."

Dean feels the world shift beneath his feet.

He watches Cas take Baby Sam away from his fans, and tucking him back into his jacket and his hat. Baby Sam fists his scarf, and frowns. He doesn't like anything keeping Cas' warmth from him. Dean can relate. It looks... normal. Like this is a completely normal day for Cas, bringing his son to work. He kisses Dean, Baby Sam between them, safe. Balthazar follows them home, to play with his "Godson, you're not even catholic, Winchester, don't you dare bring up your freakingly tall brother into this". 

It's a dream come true, it is.

Balthazar is cuddling on the rug with Baby Sam when Dean grabs his boyfriend by the waist and kisses him, quick and dirty. It's stupid, they have a guest, just right here, but Dean pushes him back into their bathroom, pushes him into their little cabinet and takes, and takes. Castiel doesn't protest, he doesn't argue about Baz, and the teasing this will get them. He makes himself pliant, mouth open, legs accomodating, and lets Dean wreck them both. It stops, because it has to. Dean isn't that set into getting caught, after all. 

"You're okay ?" Cas' voice is rough. "You got it out of your system ?"

"What ?"

'Dean." Castiel leaves him with a little peck on his lips, moving to the mirror to try and put his air into behaving.

"Cas." It's just a whisper, but they've been together for years. Cas knows.

"Yes Dean ?"

"We have a son."

Baz makes fun of him, telling Baby Sam his daddies are very very naughty men indeed. 

That night, when they're all sleeping and safe, Baz in the baby's room, Cas lost to the world, Dean goes to the bathroom, and there, sitting in the floor, he cries. But he laughs too. Hopeful.

 

He calls his father on Monday, and goes straight to voicemail. It's a little odd, he's not sure when it happens, but he's not scared anymore. He's not. The message is short, he doesn't need to say much. He tells John about the papers coming his way, and to be a decent human and sign them. He doesn't tell him about Cas, even if he's sure John knows. He doesn't tell him about Sammy, or Baby Sam. 

He goes back to work, and Rufus tells him again about that desk job he should take so he could spend more time with his family. Rufus frowns, and bullies him into sending him the video of Cas and Sam dancing together. He moans about how stubborn Dean is, and about how being in the force was a dream, but this should be his priority. He talks and talks, between quick smiles at Sam's antics, about the importance of family, and time, and kids.

Dean looks around him, looks at the station. He watches everything and everyone, and remembers a time when this would've been a perfect life for him.

Rufus huffs and leaves to go to his office, and Dean wonders how he'll tell him he's fucking ready to spend his time with his baby, work be damned.

 

He tells Cas at night, when Baby Sam is finally asleep and they eat cold leftover while sorting the huge pile of laundry and dirty dishes. He tells him about the hours, and the flexible schedule. He's ranting about how right it's going to be, when he sees something is his man's eyes.

"What's going on ?" He puts the last plate on the dryer, and reaches for Cas' hand. "What ?"

"I'm the lead in our next installment." Castiel pushes the laundry basket with the tip of his toe. "I auditioned with the others few months ago, and didn't think about it until this morning, when they announced the results."

"What does it mean ?" Dean keeps his fingers where they are, soothing, helping. Cas is hurt, and distressed, and he isn't sure how to help, how to fix this.

"It means work, lots of work. It means rehearsals, and sleep, and watching my diet again." He's breathing too fast, and Dean engulfs him into his arms, keeping him close, safe. "I can't Dean, I can't let this go. It's my life, I can't say no, I don't want to say no."

"Then don't, don't. My God Cas, don't." Cas goes to his mouth, frantic, and tries to shut him up, so he has to fight too, to keep his away for a second, to explain. "I'm telling you I'll have time, it'll be fine, I swear."

"I can't. I can't lose this, and I can't lose you." Cas shakes in his arms, and his eyes are full of tears he tries to keep inside. Dean guides them back to their room, and holds him close under the heavy blankets. "I know..." Cas sounds heartbroken, face hidden in his neck. "I know I should leave everything to be with you both. I should be a better father, and a better husband. I should be there, or you'll find someone else, and..."

"Shh." 

Cas sleeps, fisting Dean's shirt just like their son.

 

Baby Sam loves Balthazar. He hands him everything. His toys, his pacifier, his blanket. Even his favorite bunny toy. Balthazar smiles, and accepts them all, giving them back and cooing at the baby. Dean watches them from afar, wondering if Balthazar ever thought about a kid before now, wondering about his life, and the lines at the corner of his eyes.

"Samuel loves him." Cas is peeling carrots on their little kitchen table, watching too. "I know you like to tease him about Sam being Samuel's Godfather, but please try to be nicer ?"

"John sent the papers." It's heavy, suddenly, in the kitchen. Dean peels the label off his bottle. "He signed, and he gave him away. He didn't call. He didn't try to know where his son was going to be. He just signed him away like that." A little huff, and another splash of beer. "I guess it's good news, for us, uh ?" He stands up and goes to the oven. To check the chicken, maybe, but mostly to hide for a little more. "I was just thinking, Balthazar loves Sam. He loves him, and they're not even related. If anything would happen to us, he wouldn't even be considered. No, they would probably call Dad back, even if he just basically abandoned him all over again."

"That's what you need to let me be his Godfather, idiot." Dean jumps, and finds himself into a hug. Balthazar is lean, just like Cas, his body is all strengh. They aren't close, not that close. Dean doesn't go and hugs people for fun, and Balthazar is Cas' friend, abrasive and arrogant. He holds Dean, and puts a hand on the nape of his neck, and Dean feels small in arms that aren't Cas' for the first time in ages. "It'll be alright, we're a family , Dean. It'll be alright."

 

Balthazar goes back to Baby Sam, and never mentions it again. When they skype Sam on Sunday, Dean explains Balthazar and Cas are probably in church, talking to a priest.

Sam laughs.


	3. Chapter 3

They start to fight in the car, the baby asleep in his chair. Dean starts it, he's usually the one who does. It's silence, inside the car and outside, and suddenly he explodes.

"I can't believe you're going to leave." Cas doesn't answer, and it makes him mad. "Yeah, right, stay silent. You do that so well."

"Dean, please, this isn't the time."

"Yeah, because you were just waiting for the right time ?" They're whispering, but the heat is here, all the anger Dean has felt boilong in him tonight. "Or was it going to be a surprise, you going away and leaving me to deal with everything ?"

They try not to slam doors, not to wake up Baby Sam who's still out and peaceful. Dean keeps him in his arms, it's petty, he knows, but Cas is leaving them, he doesn't get to hold the baby and feel him breathe. He doesn't get to do that. Dean gets him ready for bed, and Cas stays at the door, watching them. 

"I never said I would go." he says when the door of the bedroom clicks behind them.

"Oh please." They're facing each other, now, Castiel trying to reach for him. "You're hiding everything, as always. Were you even going to tell me ?" Dean goes away, he goes to the bathroom, and leaves Cas standing. 

"I was trying to think. This is not easy, Dean."

"Yeah ? It was before, choosing your work over us. You never had a problem with that before." There's a silence, after that. Dean closes his eyes, and he puts his toothbrush back on the sink. It's low, he knows it is. 

"It's not the same." Cas is whispering, still, and he knows it has more to do with the tears lacing his voice than the baby. "I can't just turn down an opportunity like that without a good reason."

"And obviously we're not." He goes back to the bathroom door. Cas is still there, in the dark, waiting for him. Dean can't see his eyes, and he doesn't care. In a way it's easier to stay mad when he can't see Cas. "You know what, just go. Do that, just leave, and go be with your fans and everything. We don't need you here. We're doing fine without you." Cas gasps at that. "He's my son, he's mine. You're nothing to him, anyway. Just leave, dude. Leave."

"We're a family, Dean." He doesn't need the light to know Castiel is crying.

"What the fuck do you know about families anyway ?"

 

Castiel sobs on the couch, his beautiful face in a pillow. Dean knows. He knows, because he sits on the stairs, and fights with himself to go and apologize. 

It's almost midnight when he stops being a coward and goes to Cas who's still crying. He spoons Cas and kisses his hair, his neck his shoulders. He whispers I'm sorrys, and holds him close, probably too close for it to be comfortable. 

"He's mine." Cas' words are broken, but Dean hears them anyway. He turns Cas so they can kiss, it's messy and disgusting, they taste like tears, and anger, and all the hate he just spit on them earlier. "He's mine too."

"He is. He is, Cas."

 

In the morning, Cas calls in sick, and he ignores Dean to take care of Baby Sam, not exactly surprised to not get ready to go to Miss Moseley, but still pretty happy to spend breakfast in his father's arms. Cas kisses the back of his head, eyes closed, and Dean feels the hole is his chest growing bigger and bigger, watching them on the other side of the kitchen table. Baby Sam makes a mess of the blueberries in his bowl, and offers them to Cas who eats them from the tiny fingers, tears stuck on his eyelashes. 

 

"I'm sorry." Dean watches them get ready for a nap. He watches Cas putting Baby Sam under his favorite blanket, and turn on the nightlight. He watches Cas go back to their room, and to the bathroom. He watches him going back to bed.

After a while, he goes under the covers, too.

"I'm sorry" he says again. "You're his father. You're everything, Cas. I'm sorry."

"You can do that. You can take him away." 

"I won't. Never." They move slowly, carefully. Cas is like a spooked animal, and when Dean finally has him in his arms, he realises just how hurt they are.

"I love you." He doesn't know who says it first. They make love and it's slow, it's almost shy. Dean isn't sure they ever were that careful with each other, and he's almost sad remembering their first time on the backseat of the Impala. Cas deserved better. Cas deserved the world.

 

"We should get married." Cas is bathing Baby Sam, who's delighted to have his favorite father with him the whole day, holding him close, taking care of him. Dean knows Cas is the favorite. He made his peace with it. Almost. Castiel is laughing at their son, and he has to ask.

"It's an awful reason to." He keeps playing in the water, splashing Samuel and making him giggle. 

"Maybe. But I mean it."

Castiel doesn't answer and kisses his cheek when they all exit the bathroom. Baby Sam eyes them warily, and he must sense something is wrong because he's especially clingy, wanting them both when it's bedtime, fussing when he feels them leaving him. 

 

Dean holds Cas close, too. In the morning, he knows they'll go back to their life, and Cas will go back to the Opera. Dean holds him close, and kisses his hair. He holds him close, and he wishes he could take back the words he stuck into Castiel's heart. 

"I'm sorry." he whispers, over and over again. He kisses Cas' fingers, and his palm. He kisses his eyebrows and his nose. Castiel sleeps in his arms, and Dean breathes in slowly, taking in the night, Cas, their bed. "I'm sorry."

 

Cas starts to fold his clothes in plastic bags, again. Dean sits on the floor, in front of the dresser, laundry basket forgotten. The underwears, carefully rolled into shopping bags lined up in the drawer. It's been a while. It's been years.

Cas keeps apples and water in his bag for rehearsal, but Dean knows he starts to keep food and a backpack in his locker, too. 

Cas is ready to fly if he's not wanted. He checked with Balthazar's lawyer, Dean knows. He called Gabriel, hushed words Dean couldn't understand, and had spent time just staring at the wall after. 

Dean closes the drawer slowly, and watches Cas asleep on their bed, in their house. 

He wonders if it's in his genes, ruining everything.

 

Dean is close. So close. Castiel's fingers are magic, pure evil, actually, and he's almost there, he's almost there.

The laundry machine suddenly starts to move next to them, and he jumps a little, because clearly this place wasn't made for two grown-ups to get their freak on. Castiel kisses him again, dirty, punishing, and oh God, he's almost there...

The oven beeps, the promised dinosaur nuggets probably done now, and Sammy yells in delight, calling them from his room, the little ninja. 

Castiel starts to laugh and hides his face on his neck to hide his giggle, the bastard. Upstairs, Balthazar is trying to calm the toddler, and Dean is nowhere near "there" anymore. All he can think about now is mashed potatoes, and how he'll have to deal with the laundry is less than twenty minutes.

"I hate you. Both of you."

Castiel is still laughing when they're getting the table ready. Balthazar offers him a glass of wine, and they talk about the new bar in town, and how it would be nice to finally go and have a party not involving chicken nuggets and Disney Channel. Baby Sam eats with them, and giggles a lot. He's a little ball of joy, the sick sullen little face in the past now. 

"Having fun, sprog ?" Balthazar tickles him, and manages to make him eat a spoonful of mashed green beans.

Dean watches Castiel, who's watching their son, with his godfather. 

He wonders, if someday, in the future, watching his family together will bore him, if the feeling in his chest will stop, one day.

Castiel catches his eyes and smiles.

 

"Do you still love me ?" 

Dean is almost asleep, almost drooling on his pillow, when he hears it. Castiel's hand is in his hair, it's light, but he knows it's here, the same way he knows Castiel is resting on his side, his pillow boxed into the perfect shape, the same way he knows just how they smell after sex, and how warm Cas is next to him, even if they're not touching.

He knows.

"Dean..."

He doesn't know what to do to erase the hurt and the longing in Castiel's voice. He doesn't know how to erase his fears.

"Come here."

Castiel fits against him, not as perfectly as he could, he's a little too thin, according to Dean, but it's their cocoon, here in the dark, it's safe.

"I love you. I'll always love you, Cas."

"Swear it."

"I swear."

They breathe together. Castiel puts the cover over them, it's like being a kid all over again, hiding from monsters.

"What if you decide I have to leave again ?"

It's still a thorn in their heart, and Cas can't seem to get past it. Dean noticed, how could he not, the way Castiel clings to the baby, the way he holds him close, smelling him, tracing his small fingers with his.

"Then you'll take my ass to court and sue me because we'll be married by then. We will. You just have to say yes, and I'll make it happen." Castiel huffs a laugh, and tries to joke, but Dean kisses the top of his head. "You think I'm joking, but I'm actually serious. Dead serious." 

It takes him a minute to notice the warm tears dripping on his skin.


	4. Chapter 4

John calls him on Sunday night, when they're all resting and getting ready for the week. Dean checks his cell without thinking, and he throws it in his bag, not wanting to hear it, not wanting to deal with it all.

Samuel sleeps in his room. 

Castiel is reading, wrapped up in the ugly plaid they can't seem to get rid of.

The monstruous pile of laundry is mostly done with, and they actually have everything ready for tomorrow.

It can wait.

 

They meet on Tuesday.

 

John hasn't changed much. Dean wonders when he stopped being Dad, and when he became John. He looks tired, and old. He's flirting with the waitress when Dean spots him in the little bar he picked, and it takes a lot not to roll his eyes at the scene.

"How are you, son ?"

"Same old, same old. How are you ?"

"Good. You know me. On the road is what I do."

"Yeah, I know."

It's awkward, and Dean wishes he could be back hom, back to his life. It's actually pretty tame, until the appetizers arrive, and John finishes his first beer.

"Can't help but think this would've been easier at your house. How come I don't even know where you live ?"

"Cas is resting, he had rehearsal most of last night." It works, as usual. John doesn't exactly hate Castiel, he doesn't really know him. It's difficult for him to picture the man he saw once with the ballet dancer Dean told him about. So he avoids it.

"Hmm. How's Sammy ?"

"Which one ?"

John doesn't even flinch, he doesn't seem to get it.

"Your little brother."

"Which. One."

They stare at each other for a while. John breathing hard. Dean with a dead grip on his water bottle.

"I don't remember you being so insolent, young man."

"I guess you never were here enough to notice."

John tries, then stop. He waves his glass at their waitress, and keeps his eyes on the bar.

"So that's it ?" Dean is shaking. "You're not even going to ask about him ?"

"It was a mistake. You can't understand, you don't have to worry about that, I guess."

"Fuck you."

The waitress looks terrified, and she hurries away as soon as the pint touches the table.

"Do you even know how bad he was when I got him ?"

John keeps his eyes on the bar. 

 

"I can't be mad at you. Because you being careless, and not giving a fuck, it got me Samuel. And for this, even if right now I really really want to punch you, I owe you."

He pays for it all, and leave. John doesn't try, he doesn't say anything. Dean can still see him from the parking lot, the waitress hunched over the table, listening to his sweet words smelling like alcohol and the sweat from the road.

When he opens the door, Castiel is cooking some kind of stew, with pasta, listening to classical music. The house is warm, and quiet. If he focuses, he can hear the baby's mobile gently playing upstairs, through the baby phone. 

Castiel doesn't ask. He kisses the frown away, and puts a plate in front of him.

 

They are an old couple. They are. They know each other well, too well, sometimes. Dean moans about it, Cas knows all his tricks, he can guess whatever stupid thing he was plotting without even looking.

That's why he knows something is wrong, when he steps inside.

"Okay, time to fess up, what did you do ?" Castiel keeps his eyes on Baby Sam, rocking him gently.

"Can you hear it, Samuel ? How judgemental your daddy can be ?"

"Okay, smart ass," He smiles, and gets rid of his jacket, and his bag. The kitchen is almost clean, and there's pizza from that amazing pizza place on the kitchen table. It's bad. Funny bad, probably, but still. "I am feeling merciful today. What did you do ?"

"Why me ? Am I ..."

"Oh God, what did you and Baz do this time ? He finally got him a pony ?"

"No..." Cas bites his lips, and holds Samuel's hand, making him wave. It's ridiculous and sweet. "Come on, sweet baby, tell daddy about your appointment at the baby spa."

"The what ?"

Dean wants to moan about the money, even if it was a (very expensive) gift. He wants to moan about the chores left behind when they all were having fun two hours away. He wants to moan because he wasn't even invited, mind you.

It takes only one shaky video on Cas' phone, Baby Samuel floating peacefully in a tiny tub, for him to look at the blue eyes, pleading.

"He has an appointment on Saturday. They're going to teach us how to give him massages."

Baby Samuel giggles at that, and then farts loud enough to make them jump.

 

Sammy, Uncle Sammy, arrives just in time for helping them with Baby Sam's birthday. Dean tries to pretend he isn't crying when he sees his giant of a baby brother holding his son, but hey, if there's one thing being a father taught him, is to own his manly tears and bawl in public.

He's allowed to.

And it's not like he's the only one. Sammy hides behind his hair and cries, whispering to his nephew. Castiel hides in the kitchen, pretending to fix them drinks, but Dean knows better. He knows.

Baby Sam's barfs half of his dinner on his Uncle, and Dean laughs so hard he has to sit on the floor.

Sammy buys them a weird scarf made to hold the baby, and he parades around with him close to his chest. He doesn't seem to be bothered, following them around, walking to the grocerie store, getting Baby Sam to the forest nearby. 

 

Castiel curls up in bed, and after a second, Dean joins him. They nap together for what feels like years. When Dean wakes up, the sun is a little down, and he moves just enough to notice it's four in the afternoon, and the baby is still with his giant uncle, probably discovering new trees and rocks. Castiel doesn't even move, still burried in his pillow. 

His hair is a little longer, and still so soft. His skin is smooth, smelling like the arnica oils he uses on his muscles after his shower. He's still skinny, way too skinny for Dean's taste, but soon enough he'll be free to step out, and to enjoy life a little more. 

Dean kisses it all, his hair, his face, the stubble on his cheek. He kisses the little lines at the corner of his eye, and the little smile playing on his lips. 

Castiel isn't grumpy after a nap, just warm and cuddly, trying to plaster himself onto Dean as much as he can. He breathes in, a little sigh of contentment, and then speaks.

"I can't believe we never let anyone take the baby for us before." He nuzzles his way to Dean's neck, apparently happy to just stay here.

"Well, to be fair, I'm not sure we could've said no to Sammy."

"Very true."

It's lazy, and Dean can amost feel himself going back to sleep.

"We need to do this more often." Cas mumbles something close to a yes. "Oh, and we need to figure out about the party, and what cake we..."

Castiel kisses him. He tastes like nap, like their bed, and many mornings and nights. He tastes just right. 

"Shush." It makes them giggle, then full on laugh. It's been ages, and it's so good, to just relax or a bit, and forget about the deadlines, and the adjustments to the nursery, and the bills... It's good.

"Hey, Cas..."

"Dean Winchester, I swear, if you tell me again about this party..."

"Marry me."

**Author's Note:**

> First of all : stretch a little and please have a glass of water. You probably need it and your body will thank you.
> 
> Then : I hope you liked the story :) please remember kudos and nice comments make me really really happy.
> 
> If you want, you can find me at :
> 
> http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/147857583744/baby-sam


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